Over the last few weeks, I’ve been sharing thoughts about relationship circles, reflecting on sheep and goats and toilet paper brands. After reading the first of these posts, an author from my writing support group commented:

One thing that might be helpful is to talk about the different ways we can make a difference in the lives of those around us—in small ways and big ways. Sometimes people don’t extend hospitality because they are unsure of how to do it well or in a way that makes sense to them.

In the paragraphs below, I follow her advice and offer some practical ideas but with a caveat. In spite of where and how I have lived most of my adult life, I am no more qualified to give examples than you are. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my natural tendency in my early days in China was to be sheep to other sheep, and as someone who enjoys being alone, I have always struggled to find a balance between spending time with people and hiding in my fortress.

Still, in my battle against my natural tendencies, I’ve learned to stretch my relationship circles in three different ways. Under each heading below, I’ll share personal examples from China and the U.S. I’ll also include examples my writing partner shared from her experiences working with English language learners in the U.S. (Her ideas are in italics.) Then, we’d both like to hear from you.

Inhabiting Public Spaces

Until some level of trust is built, spending time with people in their space or ours can feel uncomfortable. A safe alternative is to meet them on shared public ground. Some situations require being intentionally in public. At other times, offering or receiving an invitation is necessary.

• China: Although not required to attend the almost weekly meetings my department holds, being in the building on meeting day offers opportunities to interact with a variety of colleagues I may not have seen for weeks.
• U.S.: Even just a smile or a word in the grocery store means a lot.
• U.S.: My family and I make a point of trying to interact with neighbors when we’re in our yard or out exercising, especially those whose native language is not English.
• U.S.: (Since international visitors and new immigrants don’t always have a driver’s license or car) Another thing we did was take them to the library and get a library card for them or take them to a book or garage sale.
• China: Once or twice a week different colleagues and I meet for lunch at a restaurant. Sometimes I invite them; At other times, they invite me. At various times, I’ve been part of a lunch group that met weekly at a restaurant.

Sharing our Spaces

Once a certain level of trust is built, a nice follow up is to invite them into our spaces.

• China: Over the years, numerous colleagues have been in my home for meals or tea. Certain special friends (and their families) have given me the pleasure of celebrating American holidays with me. They’ve come trick-or-treating for Halloween, joined me over roasted turkey or lamb for Thanksgiving, and at Christmastime have carefully followed my directions in order to prepare gifts for an exchange or for stuffing stockings.
• U.S.: One of the biggest hits for my students was being invited over for a pancake and poetry morning. Even though they had little experience with English poetry, they enjoyed trying to read the poems and tasting different varieties of pancakes.
• China: I’ve always enjoyed hiking. At my invitation, my colleagues and their daughter first went hiking during the COVID-19 pandemic. Now, since they—in their words—love hiking because of me, once or twice a semester, we make a point of heading for one of our mountain retreats.
• U.S.: My family and I have enjoyed hosting open houses for our neighbors. They’ve been quite a success! Otherwise, our neighbors wouldn’t have returned for the second one, right?

Entering their Spaces

Unless we are invited, entering their spaces can seem like stalking. On the other hand, when we are invited, we need to be willing to set aside inhibitions and accept.

• China: Without thinking too long, I can picture four colleagues who have invited me to join their family on Chinese New Year’s Eve, some of them two or three times. Once I even spent the night. Since it’s their most important holiday, you’d think inviting a foreigner who doesn’t know all their customs and practices would be too much 麻烦,¹ trouble. Rather, they treated me like family.
• China: Holiday celebrations are just one example of times that I’ve been invited to a friend’s home or spent the night sleeping on their 抗, kang.² I haven’t always been warm. The food, and sometimes the conversation, hasn’t always been to my liking, but the memories stored away in my mental photo album are precious.
• U.S.: I found that it meant a lot to my students simply to come to their home for a meal or a game of dominoes—whether I spoke their language or not.
• U.S.: When my sister and I were out walking one day, a neighbor invited us into her home. The week before, her middle schooler had ended up at our open house with a friend. There were many reasons to refuse…The family doesn’t speak much English, and we don’t speak their language…We had no idea how to behave appropriately in their culture…We even had a good and practical excuse. We were out with our cat in its backpack carrier. Assuming, however, that this might be a required reciprocation in their culture, we set the cat carrier down in the garage and went in.

Now it’s your turn. How do you stretch your relationship circles, either drawing people in or allowing them to encircle you? During this holiday season, how could you share public or personal space with someone from a different culture? Who needs a smile, an invitation–given or received, a ride, a cup of tea, or a word of blessing?

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1. mafan ↩︎
2. a cement or brick platform bed with a place inside for building a fire ↩︎

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